


Untouchable

by SyntheticEuphoria



Category: Transformers Generation One
Genre: Community: tf_kinkmeme, Kink Meme, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-26
Updated: 2012-02-28
Packaged: 2017-10-31 18:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/347323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SyntheticEuphoria/pseuds/SyntheticEuphoria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So it turns out that Starscream's a virgin... Wait, what? And what do you mean, every would-be lover he's ever had is dead?!</p><p>Warning for utter CRACK, of the Dark Comedy variety. And probably some eventual Sticky Sex.<br/>Additional warnings will be added as necessary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“W-what?”

“Are your audios impaired?”

“But you…”

“Surely you can see for yourself. It _is_ rather obvious.” Starscream spread his legs a little further and gave the Constructicon a look that was somehow both coy and withering.

“But you’re _Starscream_ ,” Hook insisted.

“Yes. Yes, I am. I am pleased to see that your keen intellect has not been exaggerated – only a genius could possibly have figured out what my designation is.”

“You can’t… You can’t be a… a…”

“You are stuttering, Hook. Perhaps you should run a diagnostic on your vocalizer?” Starscream idly inspected the finish on the backs of his fingers.

“You’re a _virgin!?_ ”

“No, of course not – the seal on my valve is quite obviously just for decoration,” the Seeker dryly intoned.

“But you’re _Starscream!_ ” he tried again.

“I believe that has been discussed, yes. Now, are you going to get back to repairing my hip, or shall we continue to elaborate on how utterly useless you are as a medic?”

\-----

Walking into the commissary was an unusually noisy affair, today. While Decepticons were by their very nature a rowdy bunch, this was… taking it to a bit of an extreme. Arching a single optic ridge, Starscream cocked his hip and crossed both arms, staring through the door. Somebody to the side of the room noticed him and let out a startled exclamation of his name. Everybody froze, looking up with wide optics.

“Oh, don’t let _me_ interrupt. By all means, continue!” No one moved an inch, so Starscream smirked and stepped forth, ruby gaze raking across the violent tableau. “What do we have here? The Masters,” Mixmaster and Motormaster, “wrestling under a table; Soundwave’s little twin terrors double-teaming Thrust – you look good with your wing bent that way; Wildrider making good use of his mouth – I’d get that looked at as soon as possible if I were you, Astrotrain; and…” The clicking of his thrusters came to a stop as he looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t even want to know what you three thought you were doing.” Starscream waved a dismissive hand at what appeared to be Breakdown, Dirge, and Dead End, tied together at the waist with some sort of cord and dangling from the rafters while having a slap fight.

“So,” the Air Commander braced his fists on either hip and gave the mechs present his most impressively disdainful glance, “would someone care to explain what started this little brawl?”

“Present!”

The shout came from somewhere to the right. Long Haul summarily slapped the back of Brawl’s head and snarled something about not being more of an idiot than was necessary.

Starscream rolled his optics. “I am _waiting_.”

Motormaster detached himself from his chosen Constructicon and shoved the table aside, clearing his vocalizer roughly. He stood up straight, shoulders back, and set his jaw. “We wanna know if Hook’s a filthy liar.”

All gazes focused on Starscream. This time both optic ridges went up. “Goodness – whatever happened to doctor-patient confidentiality?” The red and white mech sneered and waved a dismissive hand. “Just so that we are clear: What was it, exactly, that dear Hook deemed necessary to inform you all of?”

Wildrider finally stopped chewing on Astrotrain’s wing and shimmied his way up to sit on the triple-changer’s shoulders. “There is no _way_ that you are still an Untouched!” Astrotrain immediately grabbed the Stunticon and shoved him into the ground, keeping him pinned there with a firm pede. 

Starscream sighed dramatically and shrugged. He then stepped up onto a chair, and from there to a table. “Oh, very well.” Before anyone could pause to wonder what he was doing, the jet turned his back to the present audience, reached down to grab his ankles in both hands, and let his cover-plate snap aside.

Everyone stared at the perfectly pristine seal covering what had previously been rumored as the greediest port in all the land.

“Get a good look. It’s _all_ you’re going to get from me.” The pelvic armor snicked back into place and Starscream stood, smirking. “Now, I expect this room to be put back into proper order by the start of next duty-cycle.” He hopped off the table and sashayed towards the door, heels click-click-clicking in the stunned silence.

The door shut behind him. He got precisely five steps down the hall before he heard chaos erupt once more, even louder than when he’d first arrived. Starscream just smiled.

\-----

“Starscream.”

“Mm,” was the distracted answer.

“ _Starscream_.”

“Oh, _what?_ Can’t you do anything without bothering me for just a few, measly minutes?” The Seeker finally looked up from his datapad, glaring moodily at his leader.

Megatron narrowed his optics and leaned forwards in his seat. “When I request your attention, I expect you to give it to me.”

“Well, it’s not a request, then, is it?” he asked lightly, trademark smirk in place. “ _Then_ it’s a demand.”

The grey mech growled – a low, dangerous rumble in the back of his throat.

“Oh, fine, fine… No need to get all uppity about it. So, just what is it that you need to discuss with me _so_ badly, my Great and Glorious Leader?”

“A certain… personal matter has been brought to my attention.” Megatron sat back, the picture of amused serenity.

Starscream’s expression fell flat. “No, you don’t get to see.”

Megatron frowned, and he would firmly deny any accusations of calling it a ‘pout’, right before shoving his fusion cannon down the offending speaker’s throat. “Why not?”

The seeker smiled teasingly. “I have already proven myself – you can judge its truthfulness from the others’ testimonials.”

Snorting, the larger mech crossed his arms. “You expect me to base my beliefs on the word of imbeciles?”

“You know I would never have been able to convince that _many_ of them to agree to a single lie. And even if I had – as you said, they’re imbeciles – they’d have fudged it up by now, and you’d know they were lying simply by virtue of there being a dozen contradicting stories.”

“I would still prefer to have verifiable proof from my own optics.”

Starscream gave a smile which would have made Swindle proud. “Why do you want to see it so badly? It’s not as though it’s of tactical importance.”

Megatron chose silence as his answer, offering a mild glare.

The jet slowly stood, swaying his hips as he took the few steps necessary to reach his commander’s seat. He leaned down and braced each of his hands on the armrests, bringing their faces nearly together. “Does it get you hot? The fact that no one has… _defiled_ my body in such a way?” As he said this, he brought one hand to his chest and sensuously ran it down to just above his pelvic-frame. “Or perhaps… Does it bother you, my liege, to know that your swift and deadly Air Commander has never experienced such utterly physical sensations? That there is such an important part of life – or so many would lead me to believe – that one such as I has not yet come to know?”

There was another rumbling from Megatron, but of an entirely different sort from the irritated growl of before. His optics glinted with something dark and hot, hands fisting where they lay in his lap.

“Should I show it to you, my Lord? Should I prove to you just how false the rumors, all these long years, have been about my supposed promiscuity?” His fingers slipped further down to cup himself tightly, and there was the telltale click of the latch coming undone.

“Why did you never bother to correct them?” Every line of the Decepticon leader was drawn taught, ready to snap. Impressively, his line of sight never left his Second’s face.

“It wasn’t worth the effort. Besides – it amused me to hear them tell such ludicrously-fabricated tales.” Starscream moved forwards and promptly seated himself astride Megatron’s lap. Black hands slowly unfurled and slid up to grasp pearly-white thighs. “Shall we make a few of them come true?”

\-----

Hook stared. Then he reset his optics and stared some more. The he reset his audios for good measure. “You are telling me, Starscream, that his chair _broke?_ ”

Starscream nodded solemnly.

“The very same chair that is in the control center?”

More solemn nodding.

“The chair that not only is comprised of a single piece of _very_ sturdy metal, but is welded to the floor?”

Starscream offered a helpless shrug, the corners of his mouth just _barely_ managing to not twitch upwards. “I guess it simply wasn’t meant to support more than a single mech at one time.” He watched Hook’s face avidly as he let that statement sink in.

“You… you were…”

“There goes that stuttering again – really, Hook, you _should_ have that checked out.”

The medic took a deep intake and slowly let it out. “Alright. So you were with Megatron.”

“Mhmm.”

“And you were both on his throne.”

“Indeed.”

“And then, somehow, the throne _broke_ beneath your combined weight.”

“Seems so.”

“Sending him crashing to the floor.”

“Nasty fall.”

“Where he hit his helm.”

“Quite hard.”

“And impaled himself on one of the fragments of the throne.”

“Energon everywhere.”

“And only barely managed to survive.”

“All thanks to your brilliant skills as a medic, no doubt.”

“But you were completely unscathed?”

“So kind of him to hit the floor first, cushioning my impact.”

Hook sighed and scrubbed at his face with both hands.

Starscream merely smiled brightly and pivoted on one pede, sedately exiting the medbay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is dedicated to [peppymint](http://archiveofourown.org/users/peppymint/pseuds/peppymint), for being generally awesome. And for giving me a dozen WONDERFUl ideas for upcoming chapters. Hahaha~

“Yo.”

Skywarp blearily looked up from where he’d been resting his head on his forearms. “Nn?”

“Rough day?”

The black seeker smiled, lip-components pressed together and stretched in a long, up-curved line. “Naw. S’… S’a good day.”

“I see you’ve been hitting the high grade.”

“Mmmm~…”

“You know it’s only just after midday, don’t you?”

“Ssss… sssooo?”

“You know? You’re quite right. It’s never a bad time of day to get roaring drunk.”

A faint frown marred the jet’s otherwise happy stupor. “M’not… M’not roarin’. M’quiet as a… a glitch-mouse. An’ m’not _drunk_. M’just… M’just buzz… _buzzzzzed_.” The end of his sentence drifted off into a light giggle. “Buzzzz, bizzzz, bazz _uzzz_ … I… I like that word – makes my glossa feel tingly.”

“Yeah, I like that word, too.”

“Mmm.” Skywarp went back to smiling happily, then thunked his head onto the table-top.

“Hey.”

“Mm?” He didn’t bother looking up this time.

“Did Starscream give you the go-ahead to get into the high grade?”

Faintly, the mech nodded, still smiling. “He’s… he’s a _good_ friend.”

“Oh, the best of friends.”

“Mmm.”

“Do you think he’d let me have some?”

“Uh. I… I’unno.” Skywarp shrugged.

“Since Megatron’s still unconscious, and since Starscream’s such a _good_ friend, I thought now might be a good time to ask him.”

“Well, uh… I’unno. I… I’unno.” He made trying to think look like that most troublesome of burdens. “He might?”

“I guess I’ll just have to ask him.”

“Yeah. You… go do that. I’m gon’… gonna stay here.”

“Okay. You enjoy the rest of your day.”

“Mmm~…”

“Oh, one more thing.”

“Mmm?”

“Since he’s _so_ nice… How is it he hasn’t gotten laid?”

“Uuuuh…”

“I mean, it’s not like half the army hasn’t fantasized about tappin’ that.”

Skywarp gained an odd sort of smile. “Pro’ly… pro’ly value their lives too much.”

“Oh, but he’s such a nice guy. He wouldn’t hurt a mech just for wantin’ to interface.”

The odd smile got wider. “Nah, but… But _he_ don’t got much say in the matter.”

“What do you mean?”

“Jus’… jus’ ‘cause he’d… Well, even if ‘e was up to it, wou’n’t make much dif’rence. They’d still end up…” He trailed off, the smile giving way to a confused frown. “Wait, m’not… There was something…”

“Go on.”

“Dun think… was s’posed to say that. Can’ remember…”

“Oh, it’s okay. We’re friends, right? Friends don’t have to worry about secrets.”

Skywarp looked up and finally seemed to gain some recognition of just who he was talking to. “N-… No. We’re not… friends. You’re...” His gaze wobbled in and out of focus. “You’re creepy.” He giggled again, then passed right out, helm smacking back onto his arm.

Ex-venting heavily, the grey mech crossed his arms. “Well, that’s a start, at least.” Fluttering his rotors behind him, Vortex went off in search of his next informant.

\-----

“So, never?”

“That _is_ the definition of a virgin, Astrotrain.”

“Well, yeah, but… I mean, you’re so… so…”

“So, _what?_ ” Starscream calmly set down the tools he’d been tinkering with and gave the triplechanger an arch look.

“Well, you come off as having been, ya know, _around_ a lot.” Astrotrain shuffled uncomfortably where he sat.

“You mean that I appear to be a slut.”

He winced. “Well, it sounds so bad when you say it like that.”

The Air Commander heaved a dramatic sigh and rolled his optics. “If you would like to apply a term to it, it’s called being a ‘fake rake’ – I am an unscrupulous little piece of shareware in rumor only.” He smirked. “Also, being an intelligent and observant sort, I have managed to not only make use of those falsehoods to further my own needs, but to also keep up appearances by, how shall I put it?, ‘talking the talk’.” 

“So you’ve really, _really_ never…”

“You saw it for yourself, didn’t you?”

“Well, yeah, but… Well, you’ve never even tried anything else? What about your… other equipment?”

A slow, decidedly evil smile crept across the Seeker’s face. “As well as having never _been_ spiked, I have never been the one to do the spiking. I _did_ try using my mouth once, but…”

Astrotrain shifted forwards onto the edge of his seat, attention captivated. “…But?”

“Well, as soon as he got his codpiece off, he started having a fit. Turned out that the energon he’d had just prior to us getting started had been tainted, and he had a bad reaction; he went into convulsions, oral fluids and processed energon foaming up out of his mouth. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure he died.” He sounded only vaguely wistful about this, one finger thoughtfully pressed to his bottom lip. Astrotrain gave his superior a stricken look, and Starscream smirked.

Shaking himself briefly, the purple and grey mech smoothed his features back into place. “So… what, did that put you off the whole thing? I have trouble believing that one dead mech would make you shun the experience.”

“Oh, it wasn’t just one.”

“…What?” Astrotrain’s tone went flat – quite the accomplishment, considering the harmonious quality of his voice.

“If I’m not forgetting anyone, I think that it has been… fourteen deaths, and two non-fatal maimings.” He paused. “Wait, it’s three now, as of two days ago.”

“You mean… Megatron?”

“Mhmm!” He was so very cheerful as he said this.

“So, every mech you’ve ever tried to get with has…”

“Yup!”

“And you were perfectly aware of this when you and Megatron…”

Starscream’s grin nearly split his face in two.

It took a few moments, but Astrotrain finally broke out into laughter, slapping his thigh in his humor. “That… that is the most _ridiculous_ assassination attempt you’ve tried yet!”

“Hey, it nearly worked, didn’t it?” The fact that his leader was still alive seemed only a minor inconvenience to his good mood.

“Oh, Primus…” Astrotrain just shook his head in amusement, chest still shaking with suppressed laughter. “Hey, wait…” He tilted his head, gazing into the middle distance. “Have you thought about _why_ everybody you get with dies? I mean… You gotta admit, that’s some pretty messed up slag right there. I mean… are _you_ doing…?”

“No, it’s not me.” Starscream put one pede against his work table and tipped his chair backwards. “At least, not directly – I haven’t actually figured out what it is, yet, which is something of a bother to my pride as a scientist. I’ve tried just about everything I can to achieve an alternate outcome, and had no success… Although, I would dearly like to know what causes the difference between the fatal and non-fatal… I’ve been thinking about it since the Constructicons managed to save our Glorious Leader from bleeding out. I had assumed that the other two were merely flukes, and I suppose that they still might have been…”

“Huh.”

“Indeed.”

“What about kissing?”

Starscream blinked and gave the other mech a calculating look. “Well… I have tried kissing a few times, but it was never intended to stay a make-out session. We always moved onto further things, and then… Well, I’ve already told you the outcomes.”

Astrotrain was smiling.

“You don’t _seriously_ want to try it – not after everything I’ve just told you.”

“Maybe I’m a little intrigued…”

“Intrigued is one thing. Suicidally over-confidant is another.”

“You’re one to talk. And come on… Just a quick smooch and we’ll call it quits. No hands or anything.”

“ _No_.”

“Please?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Even if I promise no glossa?”

“Astrotrain, if you persist in this manner of argument, I shall be forced to do something unpleasant.”

Against his better judgment, he asked. “Like what?”

“Like offer you a blowjob.”

The triplechanger made a half-choked sound that was _almost_ a laugh, even as he cringed. “Ya know, I never would have thought of something like that as a threat before now…”

Smirking, Starscream turned back towards his work table.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the TFAnonKinkMeme:  
> http://tfanonkink.livejournal.com/3587.html?thread=5279747#t5279747


End file.
